Cancer Sucks

I know we all already know this. But let me just tell you that cancer totally kicked my butt these last few days. To be more accurate, Neulasta, a drug used to fight the effects of Chemotherapy, kicked my butt.

“They” warned me that I would feel achy after getting my Neulasta shot. Honestly, I thought, “it can’t be any worse than my arthritis.” Well, I was so wrong. Neulasta makes me feel like I have the flu, except without the fever. Tylenol helps, Percocet helps even more because I sleep. But nothing really shakes it.

I received the shot late Wednesday. Thursday and Friday I took Percocet and slept, waking ocassionally to eat or drink some water. By Friday night, I felt thoroughly pathetic … I’d been through about a dozen popsicles, wasn’t drinking nearly enough water, and honestly hadn’t showered or brushed my teeth in the previous 48 hours. “Hubs,” I said, “Please make me get up and have a normal day tomorrow.”

He did and I did. I got up and showered, put on some gorgeous makeup (thanks to a fabulous care package from a life-long friend), and went about my day. Last night I even had a cocktail and a glass of wine. I also went to sleep before 8 p.m., utterly exhausted and achy.

Today was another day spent laying around and, honestly, feeling particularly sorry for myself. I wallowed that my mouth is so dry (from the chemo) and I can’t bring myself to drink enough water. I wallowed that I don’t really know what I want to eat, and when I think I do, I smell it and feel immediately repulsed. I demanded a ridiculous amount of sugar and little nutrition. And then I immediately beat myself up for eating so much that is bad for me.

This evening wasn’t much better. A couple sips of wine before I realized that,  for me, the durating of my chemo will likely be alcohol-free.  Something about alcohol turns my stomach. Actually, something about lots of things turns my stomach.

Woe is me … except that if I didn’t feel like this, I wouldn’t be fighting the cancer. And if I wasn’t fighting the cancer, I could be dying.

So, with much assistance from Hubs, I’m attempting to adjust my thinking. Rather than feeling sorry for myself, I must realize that these side effects are a semi-permanent aspect of my life right now. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I should accept that I am going to feel achy; that food isn’t going to interest me; that *gasp* I will spend months without Bourbon or wine touching my lips; that I’m going to have cotton mouth and feel thirsty much of the time.

And instead of ignoring all the medications I’ve been prescribed proactively, I should accept that maybe I should pop an anti-nausea pill; or that maybe I do need a narcotic to make me comfortable enough to get a good night’s sleep.

And I should remember, above all, that this is all temporary; but the alternative would be permanent. So I ask for you to keep me in your prayers and for you to forgive me for slipping tonight and feeling sorry for myself.




3 thoughts on “Cancer Sucks

  1. Girl you deserve a “slip.” I can’t imagine what it would be,like to fight this fight. But I do believe that you can do this. Alcohol free or not. 😊 do what you need to. Wallow for a bit but then put on those big girl pants and do what you can when you can. There will be bad days and there will be good days. And in the end there will be great days after this is all over. I believe this for you! Sending strength……

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’ve got a great attitude. It’s only natural that from time to time you’re going to do some wallowing. This is a deadly serious disease that requires heavy duty treatment. That’s scary and depressing and anxiety producing for anyone.

    Sending you good thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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