Ugly Truths

Note: I wrote this last night. I am feeling much better today, but I think it is important to share the post anyway. To share that my attitude isn’t always Sunshine and Rainbows. That I have bad days. Plus, I’d love some feedback on what you do when you feel down like this.

Hi there readers. Guess what! Tuesday marks my half-way point through this second phase of treatment. Thank you, my sister, for helping me realize that! And, I’m sorry that I wasn’t up for talking. I was hungry, and this blog post will explain a little more.

I am glad to be halfway through this phase. But you know what? I’m pretty much over this whole cancer treatment thing. I’m tired. I am experiencing aches and pains and stomach issues and fatigue. It seems that I cannot get physically comfortable, and I’m having more trouble getting distracted with the things that have intrigued me thus far.

If cancer was a person, I would want want to beat the crap out of it. It makes me angry. It’s like this really annoying person who I tried to be nice to, and it just took advantage of me and my good nature. It needs to go. To get out of my life. To never contact me again. I need to change my number. Move, maybe. Get rid of this stalker.

Up until now, I’ve found things that make me happy. Planning my day-to-day schedule. Using essential oils. Always having my nails done with Jamberry. Blogging. Doing my makeup. Now these things aren’t bringing me as much joy as they were. Why? I’m not entirely sure. I assume that the fatigue is a big part of it. Increasingly, lately, the idea of spending the day in bed is more appealing than putting forth the effort to shower and put on my make-up and “look good.” As I plan my week, I see the how the need to adjust for my fatigue level lessens my productivity. Blogging about positive things gets harder by the day because I’m feeling less positive and less productive. And my concentration is poor, so organizing my thoughts and ideas to actually execute a project becomes increasingly difficult.

It’s not to say that I have no positive thinking. Overall, I am so grateful to my God that He has helped me endure this experience. My prognosis is good, and I am handling Chemo (for the most part) like a champ, so I don’t really have much about which to complain. My family and friends are as supportive as they were at my initial diagnosis, if not more so.

It’s just that cancer sucks. It really does. Treatment is rough. I have it far better than many, but I’m over it. And it does get harder, the more it builds up in one’s system. Discomfort increases and fatigue increases. Right now I have a constantly bloody nose because the Chemo aggravates the irritation in my sinus and nose from the dry heat needed this time of year.

Ugh! I have such a bad attitude, which annoys me. I know I will get over it. And I’ve allowed myself this weekend to acknowledge and feel these feelings. My nearest and dearest have allowed me to vent … nodding in sympathy and laughing in solidarity. This already makes me feel a bit better. And I know that I have a full week ahead that will make me feel productive and accomplished.

Tell me, readers, what do you find helps when you experience times like these? Not specific to cancer, but to feeling in a rut or like nothing is bringing you the joy it once was? Any words of encouragement, empathy, or advice is greatly appreciated.



13 thoughts on “Ugly Truths

  1. Dealing with MS on a daily basis, with fatigue as my most aggravating symptom, I feel you. It’s not easy. I find that just acknowledging that this is my reality helps. Some days are better than others. I’m not proud that my days consist of as much rest time as active time. This is my reality. It wasn’t right after my diagnosis. I was active then. But circumstances change. Like you, I have a solid network of family and friends. And they help. They know that sometimes I need a hand or a shoulder when navigating stairs. And they are always willing to give it. I don’t know if this helps or not. But your chemo is on the downslope. I know the battles not over when chemo ends, but it’s a good milestone to keep in mind. Love you. A lot.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When I get feeling down I read your happy posts. It has amazed me that you have been able to find happy things in a truly difficult phase of one’s life. I know you are tired, physically and mentally and wish I could take it away — but then see some flash of courage and pragmatism and realize you can handle things way better than I thought. Thanks for the glimpse of the “dark side”. But it will never overtake you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang in there. Sometimes, it’s okay to give in to the darker feelings and give yourself a little time to wallow. And then you’ll move on. I love you and so admire your courage through this process. Hang in there and know that you have love and prayers and cyber hugs coming to you from Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I stumbled across this entry today on a day when I should have been at work, but was stuck at home after a snow and ice storm. What a timely piece. I am 2/3 of the way through my chemo for breast cancer and this round has just kept on giving, but not in the good way. I didn’t realize until reading this that chemo effects can be cumulative, so thank you for that. I’ve read a number of your other entries today as well and I love your humor and insight. You will be in my prayers for healing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How serendipitous! I’m glad that you discovered my blog! I am actually at chemo now 😉 My oncology team has mentioned several times that the chemo does build up, which is why symptoms of the same drugs can make you feel worse over time.

      You will be in my thoughts and prayers!


  5. I have found with stage 4 prostate can that I too suffer from fatigue. Both the drugs and the disease produce it. For those times when I feel bad I’ve found the best thing is for me to embrace the bad feelings, own them, and let them wash over and out of me. Hope this helps


  6. Actually, I think you mentioned this in one of my earlier posts, and I decided to heed your advice this time, and today I’m feeling great! So thank you so much! Sending happy thoughts!


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