The Journey Continues

Hi my friends. I’ve been meaning to write for awhile now, but I haven’t been able to organize the right words … I wanted to write about my life after chemo, but before I could finish a draft it was time for surgery …

I’m a week out of surgery. The pain level varies from day to day, as does my fatigue. My spirits fluctuate as well. All things considered, I am largely relieved; they were able to get the rest of the cancer out, and I am currently cancer free. However, the impact of looking in the mirror for the first time was traumatic. I certainly feel that I’ve lost a great deal of femininity; but I’m grateful to be alive and to have lowered my chances of recurrence. I feel a bit like I’ve been gifted an expensive piece of jewelry … that I find hideous. Grateful for the thought and resources invested, but dreading the thought of wearing it in public.

As the healing continues, I am sure I will get used to my new appearance. For now, though, I try not to look too much. And when I do I keep reminding myself that this is what fighting looks like; what my life looks like. These are my battle scars, and I won the fight.

In the meantime, my sister is here helping me convalesce. She makes sure I get my medicine as scheduled; she feeds me and tends to my drains; and she provides quiet company for me … allowing me to converse as I wish and nap as I wish. We watch movies and tell stories. She makes us dinner and helps my son with his homework. She gives me a sense of peace knowing that Hubs doesn’t have to do it all.

I was beginning to like my life after chemo, so the surgery feels like a setback. As I fall asleep each  night, I think of all the things I’m going to get done the next day. And the next day rolls around and I find that I tire before I can complete a project. This is one of my biggest frustrations … having the desire and the creativity to work on a project only to have my body fail me.

My primary project is getting done slowly, between naps and games on the iPad. And I suppose I need to be content with that because I am healing from a major surgery. If you know me at all, though, you know that I hate when my body doesn’t cooperate with my mind. It makes recovery a very mercurial process, as one minute I’m content to nap; and another I’m irritable because I cannot complete a task in one sitting. Even now, as I write this post (it’s taken two different attempts so far), I find my eyes getting heavy.

On that note, I think I will say goodbye for now. Perhaps it is time for a nap. Please continue to comment and send well wishes. It boosts my sprits more than you know.

xoxo

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11 thoughts on “The Journey Continues

  1. You are beautiful! I have seen your scars and they make you more beautiful because we didn’t lose you. You were right to feel that they represent a battle won. You kicked that cancer to the curb!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are a fighter! What a great attitude in the face of the big C. You and your sister make me so proud. And my s-i-l and gs are the unsung heroes as they support you with every step. 😎

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so happy to hear you are recovering. I am sure your sissy is taking the most excellent care of you. I’m hoping that you will feel stronger each day. Many hugs, prayers and good wishes coming to you from Texas.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Allegra you write with such grace and passion. I feel each word as it jumps off the page towards me.
    You have been through quite the ordeal. While I have never walked in your shoes with a cancer diagnosis, I have felt the pain and tiredness after surgery. My mind and body were at odds with each other. But this too shall pass. Someday I hope sooner rather than later you will embrace your new self. I admire your courage and ability to use
    humor to get you through all you’ve endured.
    I wish for you all that your heart desires and that this becomes a dim memory.
    Warmest Wishes.
    Adrea

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cancer steals so much from us, but all we can do is fight it in everyway possible. You’re fighting the good fight. You’ve just come out of a major battle, wounded, but not dead. Allow yourself to see how much you’ve accomplished and then let yourself heal.

    Liked by 1 person

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