Un-Expected Delays

Hello, my friends. I’ve been quiet for awhile because I ran into some issues during the month of November. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I will sum up …

I began the month with throbbing pain in my leg that turned out to be blood clots in three places (aka Deep Vein Thrombosis, or DVT). Treatment with blood-thinners was my first delay in my chemo. About two weeks later, I was in surgery to remove my implant that had been exposed, due to my radiation wound not healing properly. Cue delay number two. I’m finally back on chemo with what I think is a January 11 end date.

These delays have been tough, physically and emotionally. Physically, it’s been exhausting. Emotionally, it’s tough for this usually meticulous planner to accept not being able to plan out even one day. The surgery has shaken my already unsteady self-esteem. Fatigue from recovery, chemo, and my untreated arthritis has been difficult to cope with; I struggle with negative emotions associated with my limited productivity.

We moved this month, too. Sold our house and moved into a really nice apartment. This,  has also taken a toll on me. I’m physically unable to accomplish much due to my arthritis; it leaves me struggling with feeling like I’m lazy or a slacker. I worry whether I’m paying enough attention to the kiddo.

The kid has been wanting some extra snuggle time at night this week. The other night, after our bedtime routine was finished and the lights were out, he scooted close to me, threw his arm around me, and said, “Have I ever told you that no matter how scared I am, I always feel safe when I’m with you?”

I may not be able to play with him much these days, but I help him with his homework each night; I listen to his descriptions of superheroes he’s made up in his head; I hug and kiss him. It seems that these things are enough for him.

Putting a stop to the negative self-talk has been more of a challenge. I try to put things into perspective, but it is a struggle. It isn’t even that I’m comparing myself to others, necessarily. I find myself comparing my energy level now to my energy level when I was receiving IV chemo. I know I shouldn’t … this chemo is twice a day every day for two weeks; while my last IV treatment was once a week, and I had steroids to help. However, on bad days I do. I criticize myself for not doing more.

Having an amazing support team around me — and being blatantly honest with them at times — has been such a lifesaver. Whether it’s an outpouring of love in response to an Instagram or Facebook post, my mom taking the time out of her day to eat lunch with me, Face-timing with the bestie, an encouraging phone call from my sister, a reprimand from the hubs for beating myself up, a hug from the kiddo, or even just a sweet text to check on me, my friends and family keep me going.

It’s funny how just hearing someone’s voice can be so upbuilding. Yesterday, it was a phone call to my sister just talking about food and the kiddo’s winter break. Today, I got to FaceTime with my best friend … seeing her face and hearing her laugh made my day. Plus it feels like I’ve accomplished something — I got to be a good sister and a good friend.

Each time I think that I’m not strong enough, God answers my prayers by reminding me that I have the best support system ever. Support locally, and also from across the United States; even from Ecuador!

Again, I find myself so grateful for my friends — near and far; in person or virtually. Thank you for following my journey. Thank you for loving me so much.

 

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Un-Expected Delays

  1. Aww thank you! You do the same for me!! I love you So much!!!:) I need you so much too, talking to you Makes me feel stronger and happier and I admire your strength and courage , reminds me to continue To do my best to be positive. Thank you for all you do and being the friend I think of when I read prov 13:20.!:) i d “walk with you anytime.”

    Sent from my iPhone

    Like

  2. When you’re experiencing chronic pain or fatigue it’s very hard not to fall into depression and negative self talk. There’s a natural pull there. Don’t beat yourself up for that. You also have lots of friends out here in the blogosphere happy to listen so you can unburden yourself. Take care.

    Like

  3. You know how much I love you and want to make this all go away. But I can’t. All I can fo do is help with whatever and whenever. This time next year this will be a memory and life will be as good as it can be without cancer. To paraphrase Jack . . . You make me want to be a better dad.

    Like

  4. Thanks for the shout out. Love you and think of you often. Especially as a fellow mom of a cute kiddo. Its so hard to see them see us. I think in a way this is training them to be super husbands.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s