Creatures of Habit

Lately I have been craving routine. Not just planning my days, but routines that become part of my daily existence — almost rituals — that transition me to different parts of my day. I’m not sure if this is an age thing, or if its something we all are drawn to, but it’s funny to me since I’ve never been very good at maintaining habits.

I have a list of daily habits that I am trying to adopt that includes a morning and evening routine. Another habit I’m developing is called “Big Rocks” — comprised of reading the daily Bible text; reading at least one chapter in the Bible; and some sort of personal spiritual study. My goal is that between my morning routine (showering, brushing my teeth, washing up with a three-step regimen, taking my pills, getting dressed and putting on makeup) and my big rocks routine, I’ll be more awake physically and mentally; more ready for the day.

My evening routine includes washing up, brushing my teeth, applying lash serum (my lashes haven’t been right since my first chemo experience when I lost them), taking evening pills, and drinking Sleepy Time tea (I love the Celestial Seasonings one). Again, I hope this ritual will signal that it’s time to relax my body and mind and get ready for sleep. This is especially important with Daylight Saving Time upon us. It’s really been messing with my sleep.

The trick is establishing these routines so that they are habits, so that they accomplish what I want. All too often I allow distractions to get in my way. For instance, I’ve not been making time for my big rocks in the morning, and by the time we are finished with school (and errands on some days), I’m so exhausted I can’t focus anymore. So my big rocks haven’t been completed the last several days. This morning I got closer, but I still need to finish my personal study rock. Hopefully I’ll find some time while the Kiddo is doing school work that I can complete that (like I could be doing right now instead of writing my blog).

Tell me, friends, what tips do you have to create different habits? As a planner, my foremost way is to write it down in my planner. I also set reminders for some things in my phone. However, these have only been partly successful, so I’m wondering what works for you.


Friends and Facts

Last week I received the results of my latest scan. The great news is that my cancer is no longer detectable on the CT scan. This means that the chemo is working, and has shrunk it dramatically — to the point we can’t see it. What does that mean for me? Not much. I’ll continue on my chemotherapy schedule with Gemzar. I’ll have a little more flexibility if I need/want to take chemo breaks/vacations  — like when we travel to Alaska in June — but basically I will keep to my routine. Overall, I’m pleased at the progress.

We have these friends who we only get to see every year or two and lately only for a couple days at most. But it doesn’t really matter because we just pick up where we left off — like the time apart hasn’t been time apart — and spend virtually the entire time together talking. Literally not shutting up except to sleep. And we talk the four of us together, as our children play — picking up where they’ve left off, too — or husbands and wives separately. Catching up, discussing parenting, volunteering, and life in general. And laughing. Oh do we laugh. Great big belly laughs with tears running down our faces, making jokes out of almost anything and everything.

It is always, always a soul-refreshing time. No matter how short. This visit we spent less than 48 hours together. Because they love us so much that they were willing to drive more than 22 hours round-trip to spend a day and a half with us. I can only hope we provide half the refreshment they provide us.

Friendship can be a fickle and fleeting thing, so for me to count these two beautiful people as dear and precious friends makes me feel so blessed. I am not one who has a wide circle of close friends, but I’m so fortunate to have a few amazing people in my tribe. I have done nothing to deserve these stellar souls in my life, but they are and for that, I am deeply grateful.

Thank you both for making the sacrifice to come down to see us. Thank you for the laughs and the conversations and the encouragement. Thank you for your loyal and unwavering friendship. We love you more than we can ever express.


End of an Era

I’m usually the one with all the words. This time, Mama wanted them to share this news. She’s done it beautifully, so I will leave it to her:

We’ve loved these days…

Many of you, our dear customers and friends, know that the younger partner in our mother daughter partnership was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2015. Some of you know that the cancer has returned. Unfortunately, Allegra will be in treatment for quite a while and the treatment is no picnic.

The older partner in this arrangement wants to be able to drop everything at a moment’s notice to be available for Allegra. All of the mothers who read this will understand. It is for this reason that we have decided to close our shop, Joli Home Accents.

To paraphrase an old Billy Joel song, we’ve loved these days. We have loved being a part of our charming Bay Street shopping district. We have loved our fellow business owners. We have especially loved you, our customers. You have made Joli a joy to own and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Joli’s last day of operation in 2017 will be Saturday December 23. We will reopen for a five day clearance sale in January. Please check our Facebook page and Eat Sleep Play Beaufort for dates and further information.

Again we want to thank you all for your loyalty and patronage. It has been a privilege and “We’ve loved these days”.

Cheryl and Allegra, The Shopgirls


Good Day, Sunshine

I got the results of my biopsy today. For those of you just tuning in, I have been having some pain in my groin and it was determined that the lymph nodes there were swollen and enlarged. It appeared that the cancer had spread to them; however to make sure, I got a biopsy of the nodes.

They’re NOT cancerous!

Can you believe it?! Everyone was happily surprised (cue the above song in my head). It had really seemed as though the biopsy was a formality and that they must be cancerous, but they’re not!

So what does this mean?

A few things:

  1. The cancer has not spread. I already have the mass in my pancreas and significant lymph node involvement. These have responded dramatically to the chemotherapy. If the lymph nodes in my groin had turned out to be cancer, then the chemo drug I’m on wouldn’t have worked as well as we thought, and we would have to worry about continuous spreading of the disease.
  2. I don’t have to alter or add anything to my chemotherapy regimen. Since they’re not cancer, it means that my chemo drug IS working as well as we want it to, and I don’t need to change a thing about my routine. Adding another chemotherapy drug could have meant additional side effects like losing my hair, lower blood counts, more pain, etc.
  3. I get to stay in my chemo routine. I mentioned this above, but to explain in more detail, we chemo patients learn our routines once we get into a chemo regimen. We learn what days are good, what days are bad, and what side effects to expect. If a new chemo drug is added, it’s like starting over again. We have new good and bad days to adjust to and new side effects to learn and to navigate. Being able to stay in my current routine is much easier on me.
  4. Going forward, I will continue the Gemzar (chemo drug) schedule — three weeks on, one week off. Scans (PET and CT) will be every three months. This will continue until a) the Gemzar stops working, or b) the Gemzar becomes toxic to my body. The end date of this chemo cannot be predicted; we just watch and see what happens.
  5. As far as what caused the lymph nodes to be painful and swollen, we don’t know. And quite honestly, we don’t care because it’s NOT CANCER.

But God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out so that you may be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (NWT)

I am so grateful that God knows our limitations and provides us with what we need to endure different trials. I’m so thankful for this news. It feels like someone just added more time to my timer — took one big spin backwards on the dial.

This is the most optimistic I’ve felt since my re-diagnosis. It’s the first time I’ve breathed a sigh of relief, that I’ve thought of my expiration date as possibly being years away instead of months away. Researching and planning our big trip in June fills me with excitement instead of trepidation.

Today is a Good Day, Sunshine.



Newsy Post: Scan Results

I saw my Oncologist this morning for my scan results. As you know, I’ve been nervous, especially because I’ve been experiencing a new pain in my groin area, where there are lymph nodes.

The bad news is that it does look like the lymph nodes in my groin are cancerous. We will confirm with a biopsy (waiting for it to be scheduled). In case it is simply an infection, I will start antibiotics tomorrow. If it is cancerous, there are chemotherapies that can target it that can be added to my regimen.

The good news is that the tumor in my pancreas and the surrounding lymph nodes are responding beautifully. In fact, my oncologist said they are “dramatically better.” I cannot tell you the sense of relief I feel at this news. I am so happy about this, and I feel “cautiously optimistic” for the first time in this journey.

Today my family, friends, and I are celebrating this small victory.

Also today, we mourn the loss of our sweet friend and fellow cancer fighter. She fought hard against cancer for around the last two years. She maintained amazing strength, faith, and optimism throughout her journey. We are thinking of her family — husband, daughters, sisters (brothers?), parents, nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins, and more. She will be so missed, but we know that we will see her again soon!



Visit at the Right Time

A true friend shows love at all times,

And is a brother (or sister) who is born for times of distress.

                                                                   –Proverbs 17:17 (NWT)

My best friend and her husband came down for a visit this weekend. She’s my friend that I’ve mentioned before — she sends me a card every week. She and I FaceTime regularly. We are kindred spirits, and I feel very blessed to have her in my life. She remembers things about me that I even forget, and she listens more closely than I realize, as is evident from different gifts that she will send me throughout the year. I can tell her absolutely anything, with complete confidence that she will not judge me.

The weekend was so refreshing and just what I needed. We made virtually zero plans, aside from what to eat and where to eat it. And we just talked. And talked. And talked. It’s amazing that we even have anything to talk about, since we talk via text and FaceTime often, but we always do. Conversations drifted back and forth between topics, and we rarely actually finished one, as we got distracted by the next. But we would have it no other way. It’s the way our friendship works.

Recently I have felt lonely. Being under the influence of strong opioid drugs, I do not drive so my ability to run errands, or even to engage in some casual retail therapy, are very limited. Some days — even if I have the opportunity to be chauffeured around — I don’t feel up to it. It’s a very solitary existence, and I’ve given in to self-pity.

The reality is, though, that I am blessed with real and true friends. Friends that are family, both literally and figuratively. Friends that use their mileage points for me. Friends that carve time out of every week to send me a card or to FaceTime with me. Friends that make me laugh until I cry and friends who text me just to check in. Friends who are genuinely happy for me when I get to spend time with another friend. Friends who end their texts and phone calls with “love you.”

As my kindred spirit left today, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law arrived. They, along with my local sister-in-law and family, greeted me with long, protective hugs and faces that showed their happiness at seeing me.

My friends have made the story of my life.
–Helen Keller

This Tuesday I will find out the results of my scans. I will either receive good or bad news about how the Chemotherapy is or isn’t working. My oncology team will either tell me to continue the Chemo regimen I’m in or we will explore other options. I’ve been nervous about this appointment since last weekend. As to be expected, I am still anxious about the appointment, but I sit here writing without the dread that’s been hanging over my head.

I’ve been strengthened and refreshed by my visit with my sweet friend. It’s simply impossible to enjoy the friendship I’ve enjoyed this weekend and continue to have dread in my heart.

And I can feel the support of my family as I head into the week of unknowns ahead of me.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for reminding me that I’m not alone at all.



Bucket List

I’ve been thinking about a bucket list lately. It wasn’t something I gave much thought to until I got this diagnosis and started to realize I have a finite period of time left.

November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month, and I was doing a basic knowledge quiz. The average life expectancy for pancreatic cancer patients is five years. Does that mean that I should compile a bucket list? Is a bucket list even a reasonable list to make?

Do people really make bucket lists and cross off all their items? I don’t know that I can think of enough items to make a list. I can’t think of a whole lot in this life that is excessively important to accomplish I have travel goals, of course. And I have famous people I’d like to meet. I guess there are things I want to try, but because of my future hope, I’m not overly anxious to make sure these things happen before I die.

Then there is the concern of how realistic my bucket list items are. Seeing the Grand Canyon isn’t unreasonable in and of itself, but taking the summer to drive cross-country, spending time in various national parks may not be realistic. Meeting Johnny Depp is definitely not realistic. Writing a book is a reasonable and excellent bucket list item, but writing a book that is published nationally may be too lofty.

Not being a risk taker, I don’t have goals like bungee jumping or sky diving. I don’t want to train for a marathon or even a 5K. I want to become a published travel writer and commune with nature in Glacier National Park for a couple of weeks. I want my book to reach a spot on the Bestseller List. I want a blog post or essay to garner national attention.

Clearly my bucket list items don’t follow the S.M.A.R.T. guideline for goals. I’ve got the Specific and Measurable down, but things fall apart after that.

I think I’ve drawn my own conclusion about making a bucket list — though I fully intended to ask your opinion. It’s better for me to keep my dreams and goals quiet but lofty. A bucket list is not necessary for this girl.

On the contrary, I’ll be thankful for any experiences I get to enjoy over the next few years. Like the once-in-a-lifetime trip to Alaska this coming June with my family. Or the visit later this month from my kindred spirit and soul sister (and her husband). And the visit from my mother-in-law and sister-in-law who I’m anxious to see since my diagnosis. Even the simple sleepovers with my niece (24) and great-niece (3), where we tend to stay up late and talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

I can think back over recent experiences, too, like when my big sister came for two weeks to take care of me and we both picked new projects to work on at Hobby Lobby. My sister learned how to draw butterflies and birds, but I’m no better at my hand-lettering. And how she worked with my son every day after school on his homework, so I could rest.

Bucket lists may be important to some people, but at the risk of sounding obnoxious or over-privileged, I feel like I get to experience bucket-list sized events regularly. Either that, or my definition skews between overly simple and ridiculously unrealistic. But I always receive support when I need it, and I get to experience some pretty cool things in my life.