Creatures of Habit

Lately I have been craving routine. Not just planning my days, but routines that become part of my daily existence — almost rituals — that transition me to different parts of my day. I’m not sure if this is an age thing, or if its something we all are drawn to, but it’s funny to me since I’ve never been very good at maintaining habits.

I have a list of daily habits that I am trying to adopt that includes a morning and evening routine. Another habit I’m developing is called “Big Rocks” — comprised of reading the daily Bible text; reading at least one chapter in the Bible; and some sort of personal spiritual study. My goal is that between my morning routine (showering, brushing my teeth, washing up with a three-step regimen, taking my pills, getting dressed and putting on makeup) and my big rocks routine, I’ll be more awake physically and mentally; more ready for the day.

My evening routine includes washing up, brushing my teeth, applying lash serum (my lashes haven’t been right since my first chemo experience when I lost them), taking evening pills, and drinking Sleepy Time tea (I love the Celestial Seasonings one). Again, I hope this ritual will signal that it’s time to relax my body and mind and get ready for sleep. This is especially important with Daylight Saving Time upon us. It’s really been messing with my sleep.

The trick is establishing these routines so that they are habits, so that they accomplish what I want. All too often I allow distractions to get in my way. For instance, I’ve not been making time for my big rocks in the morning, and by the time we are finished with school (and errands on some days), I’m so exhausted I can’t focus anymore. So my big rocks haven’t been completed the last several days. This morning I got closer, but I still need to finish my personal study rock. Hopefully I’ll find some time while the Kiddo is doing school work that I can complete that (like I could be doing right now instead of writing my blog).

Tell me, friends, what tips do you have to create different habits? As a planner, my foremost way is to write it down in my planner. I also set reminders for some things in my phone. However, these have only been partly successful, so I’m wondering what works for you.

Advertisements

Newsy Post: Scan Results

I saw my Oncologist this morning for my scan results. As you know, I’ve been nervous, especially because I’ve been experiencing a new pain in my groin area, where there are lymph nodes.

The bad news is that it does look like the lymph nodes in my groin are cancerous. We will confirm with a biopsy (waiting for it to be scheduled). In case it is simply an infection, I will start antibiotics tomorrow. If it is cancerous, there are chemotherapies that can target it that can be added to my regimen.

The good news is that the tumor in my pancreas and the surrounding lymph nodes are responding beautifully. In fact, my oncologist said they are “dramatically better.” I cannot tell you the sense of relief I feel at this news. I am so happy about this, and I feel “cautiously optimistic” for the first time in this journey.

Today my family, friends, and I are celebrating this small victory.

Also today, we mourn the loss of our sweet friend and fellow cancer fighter. She fought hard against cancer for around the last two years. She maintained amazing strength, faith, and optimism throughout her journey. We are thinking of her family — husband, daughters, sisters (brothers?), parents, nieces, nephews, aunts, cousins, and more. She will be so missed, but we know that we will see her again soon!

xoxo

This Time Around

Even though this is my second time with breast cancer, so many things are different about this experience. Aside from the obvious things — different parts of my body, a more serious stage, a different prognosis — I’m finding other differences as well.

I’m already experiencing low blood counts. I believe this is typical of Gemzar, but I have already had to postpone my third treatment because my blood counts are off. I’ve only had two treatments. I’m on a preventive antibiotic. Last time, it was months of chemo before my blood was affected.

My energy level is lower. This may be because of the Fentanyl patch I’m on, or it may be that this cancer is taking more out of me than last time. Most nights I am in bed before 9:00 and I’m asleep until around 7 or 8 the next morning. Some days I nap through the whole day.

I’m on pain medication. My original breast cancer had no pain associated with it. None. The pain of the mass in my pancreas was excruciating. Bad enough that I wear a Fentanyl patch 24 hours a day. Granted, I’ve come down to a lower dose, but the doctor isn’t in any hurry to wean me off of it.

My emotional state/outlook have changed. With an unclear and unsure prognosis, remaining positive is more difficult for me. I feel like I’m in limbo and I’m not sure what to do with myself. As a planner I prefer structure to my days, but with the gravity of this diagnosis my only job is to “take care of myself.” This leaves me kind of lost as to how to spend my time. My sense of humor has gotten darker, and I’ve become more reserved.

Not surprisingly, this last one has been most difficult to me. Last time I took on the role of fighter — I had something to beat, to get rid of. I had a concrete task. This time, it isn’t so clear, not so black and white. Instead of beating or getting rid of something, we’re trying to control the progression of it. It makes for a much more difficult fight song or cheer. Instead of “fight, fight, fight” it’s “control, control, control.” It doesn’t flow as easily.

I’m sure as time goes on, I will get used to my new normal. Taking it day by day. Appreciating the little things. Accepting that “taking care of myself” is my new full-time job. Already, I feel myself slipping into a bit of a routine, and that makes me feel a little more stable.

As with any life-changing event, this will take a period of adjustment. I know that; I just need to accept it. I need to remember that I have an abundance of support in my family and friends. I need to remember to rely on God and remind myself that He is holding onto my hand (Isa. 43:10, 13). That He will help me get through every step of this, no matter how difficult the steps might be.

Today was a rough day for me. But I talked to my husband and my mom and received reassurance, strengthening, and commiseration. Having someone acknowledge and assure me that my feelings are valid is extremely comforting. Having someone offer to help me in tangible ways is strengthening — both spiritually and emotionally. The amazing thing is that I get support like this on a daily basis from so many people. Some friends text me encouraging words. Some send cards. Some I get to speak to and/or see daily. And I thank God for all these ways that he’s giving me support. I may have a life-altering diagnosis, but I am blessed to have my support team standing with me.

xoxo